2023.06 : Hands Across Eternity
Central California, U.S.A. Circa 2021
— Randy StoneLove is like eating mushrooms. You don’t know if it’s the real thing until it’s too late.
INT. – CAFE
BOB
Is he taking you somewhere special?
ALICE
No. We don’t do Valentine’s Day.
BOB
Let me guess. Don’t want to support our corporate overlords?
ALICE
Ha. Commercialization of love is the least romantic thing I can imagine.
BOB
The Mother of the American Valentine tradition was a woman you know.
ALICE
Esther Howland. 20 year old daughter of a successful bookstore owner.
BOB
Introduced her Valentine’s Day cards in 1849.
ALICE
Grew into a $200K per year business. In today’s money. Very impressive.
BOB
Ironically died never finding love.
ALICE
She kinda made my point. If my man hasn’t made me feel loved all year, a few hours of chocolate, wine and a card isn’t going to make it right!
BOB
He must miss his Valentine treat.
ALICE
We don’t take it that far…
(laughing)
BOB
Are you familiar how the Japanese put their own spin on Valentine’s Day?
ALICE
Something to do with a White Day?
BOB
Yeah. Valentine’s Day is yet another manifestation of Japan’s elaborate gift giving tradition. Women buy gifts for the men in their life they want to show appreciation to. Not just the romantic. For romantic interests a woman will buy a chocolate gift. He is now on notice she’s interested.
ALICE
So much to unpack.
BOB
Here’s the best part. She has to wait an entire month for him to decide how to respond.
ALICE
Oh my…
BOB
Then on White Day he decides how to reciprocate. A low priced gift to keep things platonic. An expensive gift to express mutual interest. Then there’s no gift.
ALICE
There must be a lot of teary eyes on that day.
BOB
For sure. But. There are many beaming faces; big grins failing to be suppressed; an extra step in their walk.
ALICE
Ha. I can imagine. So what about you and Marley? Have you two gotten over yourselves yet?
BOB
Sweet promises of the after-life are spider silk threads spun into cables.
ALICE
Promises are one thing. The requisite rules. Something else entirely.
BOB
Unfortunately, I run afoul of those rules. As my French buddy says, “it makes one ponder if there’s life before death.”
ALICE
Sounds to me you’ve been cockblocked by Jesus.
(laughing)
BOB
Not the first time. When to lesser men, the sting is far worse. If I’m going to lose out, I much prefer it to the very best.
ALICE
Cue Neil Simon.
BOB
“It only hurts when I laugh.”
ALICE
You’re a throuple.
BOB
A what?
ALICE
Polyamory “couples”. The word ‘couple’ doesn’t make sense since there’s three of them.
BOB
Marley, Bob and Jesus.
ALICE
Very progressive of you.
BOB
Ha. We’ll have to have gravestones like that Dutch couple. Catholic woman and her Protestant husband. Did I ever show that photo?
ALICE
No.
BOB
One second. Ah, here it is.
ALICE
Beautiful. Heartbreaking. But beautiful.
BOB
Let’s say Marley and I show up at the Pearly Gates at the same time.
ALICE
That’s presuming we don’t end up as worm food.
BOB
And that we aren’t absorbed back into some universal consciousness losing our individual identities like rain drops falling back into an ocean.
ALICE
Or we aren’t reincarnated. And there’s no guarantee you two will be in the same space and time or that you’ll recognize each other.
BOB
Gabriel greets us with, “Marley, good news Bob was wrong the Christian faith is correct. Bad news for you, you’re the wrong kind of Christian. Off to hell with the both of you.”
ALICE
How deliciously ironic that would be.
BOB
She’d never hear the end of it, literally. By the way, allow me to fuel your conspiracy theory tendencies. It makes no sense that hell punishes sinners. Why would the devil punish good soldiers doing his bidding? In what universe does he do this? He would reward “evil doers”.
ALICE
Never thought of it that way. So hell is a construct of Big Church to control the sheeple.
BOB
You’re welcome.
ALICE
What other scenarios.
BOB
Gabriel says “Well Bob, you should have known better. Everything Marley believes is indeed the truth. Off to hell with you.”
ALICE
Marley gets punished for eternity by being forcibly separated from her soulmate.
BOB
I don’t make the rules. Trust me, I would have a few choice words for Gabriel before being escorted out by security.
ALICE
Knowing you, loud enough for Jesus to hear you from the other side of the gates.
BOB
“Gabriel, I demand to speak to your manager!!! Get Jesus out here now!”
ALICE
Bob going full Chad always entertaining.
BOB
I hope Marley would go full Karen.
ALICE
For sure she does.
BOB
Now, if Gabriel says “As Salam Alaykom! Sorry you two, but you were both wrong. Off to hell with the both of you.”
ALICE
Kinda romantic. You two spending eternity together in hell.
BOB
I bet it feels awfully similar to how I felt “celebrating” Valentine’s Day.
ALICE
Top tier snark. That’s why we’re friends.
This week’s photograph of burnt over land. By wildfire. The gap, reminiscent of a gash inspired this week’s story. A story based on true events; shaped by the storyteller’s creative privilege.
And now … know the photograph.
Learn More
Het Oude Kerkhof in Roermond, the Netherlands, established in 1785, is a historic cemetery. It holds the unique grave of a Catholic woman and her Protestant husband. They faced social scandal for their marriage, but spent 40 years together until the husband’s death. The cemetery was divided into Catholic, Protestant, and Jewish sections. The devoted wife ordered a pair of tall white monuments that reached above the dividing wall. One monument was for her, and one for her husband. The hands from each monument were locked together. The wife was buried in the Catholic section, and the husband in the Protestant section. Read more.
